Four Hens and a Rooster

Mother’s Day is right around the corner which is the not-so-subtle hint that if you haven’t gotten Mom something, you better get on it. Or else. This woman is either the person who birthed you (or your spouse) or who birthed your children. Honestly, that’s reason enough. I could stop right there and be done with this post.

But of course, I won’t.

So, you’re not sure what to get Mom? Here are a few suggestions to help:

1. This is the woman who puts up with endless amounts of crap from everyone – it’s either oozing out one end or spewing out the other, but moms put up with more crap than a stableboy at Churchill Downs. For this she deserves Shari’s Berries covered in chocolate.
2. She’s the one who always makes it happen. No one knows what the magic “it” is, but leave it to Mom to get it done. You forgot to tell her you need snacks for your class? Mom can open up the magic cupboard and magically make something appear. You don’t see the magic bottle that helps Mommy get it done, but that’s okay.. it’s magic, remember? Help mom be prepared and get her a Wine of the Month Club membership.
3. Need to go from point A to point B back to A and then over to C before you go to D? All in 30 minutes? No problem – Mom’s a logistics expert. It also helps that she has a couple of cop friends phone numbers programmed in her speed dial since she’s going to be hauling ass to get you there. For this, mom deserves a Richard Petty drive experience. Obviously, to get you to all those places, she’s going to need to know how to outrun them.
4. Mom’s the one who usually gets stuck with homework duty. I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that she’s older than dirt and doesn’t know squat, so how in the world can she EVER figure out the new math that leaves no child behind? Help your poor Mama and get her a new Mac. This way she can look for Pie recipes while looking for the value of Pi.
5. All that screaming that you do is making Mom deaf. You yell demands down the stairs. You yell at your siblings. You yell at your friends because your music is so loud they can’t hear you. Yelling is just wicked cool, isn’t it? Mom doesn’t want Advil. Mom wants Bose noise canceling headphones. Trust me… mom won’t care if you yell then. Yell away.
6. Memories… sweet, sweet memories. Sadly, they’re fleeting and with all the mundane, day to day tasks that mom has to do, she’s probably going to forget when you lost your first tooth, said your first word or caught your first flyball (what the hell is a flyball anyhow?). She needs help and what better way to help her remember YOUR life than to give her a Chamilia bracelet. Next time you have some major event, make sure you buy a bead before you tell her about it. Trust me – she’ll remember then. If you’re in the Triad, go to my cousin Lisa’s store – Silver Gallery and she and Brittany will hook you up with Chamilia and anything else Mom’s heart desires.
7. There are these things in the house that collect trash. They’re usually round and placed in strategic locations so that you don’t have to go too far to find one. Obviously, the middle of the floor wasn’t the strategic location you were thinking of since that’s where you drop your stuff. And have you ever noticed that the dishwasher is conveniently located right next to the sink where you just dumped your ice-cream bowl? Stunning, isn’t it? Mom’s tired of being the only person in the house capable of bending over at the waist. Mom wants a maid service so she can come home to a clean house – even if it’s only for an hour.
8. Once upon a time, there was this lady named Kristen (feel free to put your mom’s name there) and she met this incredible guy named Steve (put your dad’s name there). They had a different life before the kids came along and while their life is bigger and better now, they miss their couple time. Mom likes to get dressed for Dad and Dad likes to open the doors and all that sickeningly sweet stuff for Mom. Maybe you should think of sending mom and dad off for a trip. Alone. Or if that’s too much.. a gift certificate to a restaurant that doesn’t have a kids menu. Yeah. That would be nice, too.

Bonus Tip: And if all else fails… write Mom a really long letter and really tell her how much you      appreciate her. If you feel compelled to buy something, buy her a box of tissues to go with it. It’s so rare that we hear that not only do we exist, but you’re happy that we exist that we’ll be blubbering idiots by the time we’re finished.

So, see… Mom’s not hard to buy for! All you have to do is look around the house and you’ll find hundreds of ideas!

Now, make haste and figure out what you’re getting mom. And I’d love to hear what you decided on! Moms – what else can we add to this list?